So yesterday marked the 3 year anniversary of me moving to this Black Hole. Three being the magic number that it is, as well as the fact that I'm at a good point to tally my score, this milestone has caused me to do much reflecting. Where I've been, where I'm going. . . All that happy horseshit.
I remember several of my friends back in North Georgia telling me they didn't think I'd stay gone very long, if I even left at all. Now I have a feeling they are wondering (if they still ever wonder about me) if I'll ever leave. While I am not as close to finishing my business here as I'd like, I still have faith that this place is temporary. Besides, when it comes right down to it, I don't hate it quite as much as I proclaim. It at least has served me well thus far, no matter how back-asswards my progress has been.
At this point, I find it damn near impossible to look back at who I was in my first days here and relate to that person at all. It's not that I've forgotten anything (though the idea seems nice at times) so much as. . . I dunno. Evolved isn't the right word, but it's the first word that comes to mind.
This town is an Harbor of Lost Souls: No one who comes here or stays here is without some missing sense of Self that they hope to find here. No one comes here without the hope of finding whatever it is they feel they need to be more Complete. Not that this place actually possesses anything of that nature for anyone; at best one can come to peace with the hand they've been delt and learn how to play their cards accordingly. At best one can move on to better things when they are ready.
At worst one can waste a lot of years searching for things that don't exist. I know several people here who are still buying whatever Snake Oil they can from shady medicine men they come across, thinking they've found their miracle.
This place has offered me tremendous insight into the things in life that I Don't Really Want, which can help me find what I do desire though the process of elimination if nothing else. It also has shown me just how goddamn resourceful and stubborn I can be when I need to. Most of all, it has given me a better idea of who I really am than anything else in my life. While I'd do well to remember that Flights and Fare are Always Subject to Change so to speak, I have a pretty good idea of where I stand in reguards to a lot of things. Even if knowing is no more than knowing I Don't Have a Fucking Clue, which is certainly not always the case, but it seems to be a fairly common theme.
There is so much that I was fucking clueless about 3 years ago.
Sometimes I still really miss my Friends and Life from North Georgia, but at this point I'm painfully aware that almost everything and everyone I left behind worth missing is gone. Either I've torched the metaphorical bridges that held the bonds, or I've simply evolved past being able to relate to those I used to. I'm still not sure which one stung the worst. There are a very select few I still feel I can talk to from time to time, and you know who you are. Now that my only family has moved away from the area, I no longer see it as my home of any shape or sort. It's simply North Georgia now.
So where is home to me now? I've made it a point to never call this place "home" as to keep me from getting too comfortable, but it's still way to premature to give that title to the San Fran Bay Area. Not to meantion a big part of why I'm not closer to being in Northern Cali is that I spent too much time with my head floating around out there and not here to take care of the tedious shit. No point in jumping the gun on that one, exspecially since it hurts more than helps my cause. So where does that leave me?
I will always maintain my hatred for this Piss-Hole town, and I will always work to leave it once and for all. However; I will do well not to forget what this place has offered me. If nothing else, I've met so many Worthwhile people that have made it possible for me to get by day to day. I hate the idea of leaving them all one day (and i do very much hope to take some of them with me), but anyone I care about here I hope to see move on to Better Things. Lingering because of them would be a disservice to them as well as myself and therefore is not an option.
So yeah, I guess the point of this exceedingly long-winded ramble is that after 3 years I don't feel that I made a mistake in doing this (not that i haven't made mistakes). I don't regret being here. It has been worth it.
I'm OK in calling it "home," at least until I can indulge in Better Things.
"Though the world is sleeping, my eyes are open.
Yet it's me that's dreaming that I'm flying over mountaintops.
I am crossing an ocean where at the end I see, I see a beautiful far away land called home.
And them stars they sure are pretty, and while I do admire the distance their light, it travels, to shine down on me… still I would go further than the furthest star shine… just to find myself walking in a beautiful faraway land called home.
Wanna find myself walking in a beautiful faraway land called home.
And you can take all the money in all of the banks.
You can take all the fame in Hollywood.
You can take all the pretty girls in Paris, France.
You can take my own name if you think it'll do you some good.
You can take all them things that perish, and you can throw them all right in the sea.
'Cause ain't but only one thing that matters.
Ain't but only one jewel in this world.
Ain't but only one feeling of all of life's feeling that I wanna feel.
That is the feeling of a beautiful far away land called home.~Jim White
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Today I received some letters from my great-grandmother, postmarked 1983. She was in her late 90's when she died. I was 8. She was in her early 90's when she wrote them. I was 3. She would write and make my mom read them to me (who's the one who sent the letters, via a mommy-loves-you package). My great-grandmother (simply grandma) was an intensely strong, yet kind woman. I remember when I used to sneeze around her, instead of "bless you" or "gazunteit" she would yell "scat!" It's an old North Carolina saying which is supposed to scare the sneeze demon away, or something like that. I don't know about the sneeze-demons, but it would always scare the shit out of little unsuspecting me. I don't remember too much about her, other than "scat" and how much I loved spending time with her.
The letters are pretty simple, so I thought I'd share them with you:
1) Wednesday morning,
Hi Michelle [what my family refers to me as], How is my baby doll? I received your picture and believe me I was so glad to get it. I only wish I could see you. I hope mama can come down this summer and bring you.
I love my big baby [mom] and my little baby too. I hope you are enjoying your new baby sister [written to my older brother, slightly out of date and context for when it was written, but like i said; early 90's].
It sure is nie to get your pictures out and look at them. You look so sweet and pretty.
2) Grandma hasn't been feeling very well for a long time. I am begining to get a little bit stronger.
I sure was glad to see Adam [brother], wish you could have been with him. I love you all so much.
I must stop here and take my medicine before I forget it. I love you baby.
PS: I am looking for some more pictures soon. Bye bye, Grandma
3) Here's Grandma again. How is my baby girl that I want to see so very much?
Yesterday I received one letter mailed May 3rd and another on May 20th. Bot had pictures of you and Adam. I sure was glad to get them. When I get moved in my big apartment I want mama and daddy to bring you and Adam down to see me.
Guess you are moving by now. I'll stop here and write Adam. Be good and keep sweet for Grandma, Bye bye I love you my baby doll.
Even though I'm not Christian I've deeply believed in the power of prayer. Energy is energy,right? The first time I ever prayed I was a 10 year old desparate athiest, and the results gave me faith in greater possiblities. I came to enjoy conversing with this new abstract friend. I felt like I was being listened to and even if the responce wasn't what I wanted to hear, it was what I needed to hear.
However, for about the past year, I've felt very much like I've been talking to myself. I wonder if I have been all along. Or did someone quit listening?
Maybe the quick responce to my desparate prayer so long ago was just coincidence. Which would kinda suck because even athiests have faith in their idea of nothing. I don't know if I could have that faith in nothing again.
Maybe this shithole town is out of range for Our Creators' service area. Maybe the numbers been changed.
Maybe I need to get a new calling plan.
So it's 2008.
Thank Gawd the Holidays are over. It feels good to feel normal again.
So far this has not been a bad year. Got to bring it in my making out in a corner with the boy I've been bitching about in so many posts, so, yay. Finally damnit. I also have my first solo exhibition pending for Late Feb-Early March. It's not confirmed but it sounds pretty solid. I'm excited and I've managed to frame over half the works (i need 18-20) in less than a week. So yay again.
That's about it. Somewhat anticlimatic. Sorry.
OK, so while some of my earlier posts this week have eluded to what's been going on, I feel the need to elaborate.
This week one of the very first people I made friends with in Carrollton died in a car accident. Now I had only seen him a handful of times in the past year, and not 3 weeks ago I heard him in the background when I was on the phone with a mutual friend saying "Tell that bitch I said call me!" I remember thinking that I really should, but I got distracted. Now I can't. Remembering how much we hung out when I first got here; my heart felt so broken that he died without me ever telling him how much he meant to me.
But not just him; I had lost contact with everyone from that group of friends. I mean, I met my friend Cindy's new daughter on Wednesday and she was born in March. I've been 10 miles from everyone and had totally lost touch. As bad as it hurt losing him like that, if it had been Cindy or Melissa or Chris--friends since high school--it would have been so much worse.
Looking back on my life thus far, my happiest times have been with my friends. They are what means the most to me. Any acheivement in my life is worthless to me if I have no one to share it with. Ben Dying so suddenly was a slap in the face; some of the things that had been bothering me became so very unimportant and reconnecting with my lost friends suddenly became top priority.
If you look at wealth in terms of dear friends, I'm totally Bill Gates. So many people throughout my life have influenced me and helped me and helped hold me up when I wasn't able to do it myself. Ben was one of those people. I couldn't have made it here without him and I just hope that he knew that.
I hope those I have left know that. All of them. All of you guys. I love you so very very dearly.
No seriously Ben, YOU’VE got to hear this...
Current mood: touched
I hope you saw us all there today. Too many of us to fit in the church. Even Emily, who used my jacket sleeve to clean me up because no one reminded me to go light on the eyeliner. I wasn't worried about the cleavage because I know that was just fine with you. I hope you heard the poems Joe wrote, because they're really good. I hope you saw us singing kareoke and laughing and loving because we missed you and loved you so much.
You have helped remind me how good our friends are at taking care of eachother. You helped show us how, and I will always remember and carry on where you had to leave off.
Also, even though I know you aren't there, I plan to visit you often. If anything else it will make for a beautiful walk to clear my head and help me see what matters.
Rest with our love my friend.
I'm sorry I lost touch for so long. I've meant to call you a billion times. I have no excuse; I just hope you know that I will always be grateful for you being one of my first dear friends in this god-forsaken town. I couldn't have made it without you.
OK, so I've finally admitted to myself that it's time to quit smoking. By jan 1st. New Years baby, and we're through.
For something completly different, some pics from this year's Halloween Party:
The Classic Random Pic
"WE'RE DRUNK TAKE OUR PICTURE YEE HAW!!!"
Do you guys really think about this stuff?
OK guys, I swear to GAWD I'm not dead.
Our Computer is fucked up and while we keep meaning to get it fixed, we keep getting distracted before we can follow through. So it's been hard for me to linger on the www. when I get access.
Halloween is my favorite holiday mainly because it is the only one that I will put up decorations for. Plus this year's costume made me realize that my fuckability-rating goes up at least 1.5 points as a blonde. Yay super costume parties! When I become Sole Dictator of the Universe they will be a requirement under penalty of torture and death.
Things have been interesting lately.
I promise I still love you guys very much.
I hope to reapparate as soon as I can.
OK, so myspace (not yourspace, but mine) is my primary blogging tool I use to communicate with people. I know everyone who reads this is not a fan, but it what works best for me. I have a pretty big friends list because I do a lot of art networking and exposure there. It's not uncommon for people to add me just because they like my work; as long as someone isn't Scary Bad Weird, I won't deny them.
OK, so last night I get a friend request from a private profile. So I approve them and check it out when I realize quite quickly that it's my Evil Ex's current girlfriend (or at least the one he cheated on me with/cheated on her with me). We don't really know eachother, but didn't really have to to know we probably wouldn't get along. Fucking the same guy and not knowing it can do that to ya. So I guess you could say that I was somewhat unsure what to think, but I figured What the Hell. Besides, at this point I figure she was getting the same line of shit as me, plus I just don't give a shit about any of that anymore. Though I did have to message her. Here now is a word-for-word recap of our conversation:
Me: I must admit that your's is one of the more interesting friend requests I've gotten in a minute.