So yesterday marked the 3 year anniversary of me moving to this Black Hole. Three being the magic number that it is, as well as the fact that I'm at a good point to tally my score, this milestone has caused me to do much reflecting. Where I've been, where I'm going. . . All that happy horseshit.
I remember several of my friends back in North Georgia telling me they didn't think I'd stay gone very long, if I even left at all. Now I have a feeling they are wondering (if they still ever wonder about me) if I'll ever leave. While I am not as close to finishing my business here as I'd like, I still have faith that this place is temporary. Besides, when it comes right down to it, I don't hate it quite as much as I proclaim. It at least has served me well thus far, no matter how back-asswards my progress has been.
At this point, I find it damn near impossible to look back at who I was in my first days here and relate to that person at all. It's not that I've forgotten anything (though the idea seems nice at times) so much as. . . I dunno. Evolved isn't the right word, but it's the first word that comes to mind.
This town is an Harbor of Lost Souls: No one who comes here or stays here is without some missing sense of Self that they hope to find here. No one comes here without the hope of finding whatever it is they feel they need to be more Complete. Not that this place actually possesses anything of that nature for anyone; at best one can come to peace with the hand they've been delt and learn how to play their cards accordingly. At best one can move on to better things when they are ready.
At worst one can waste a lot of years searching for things that don't exist. I know several people here who are still buying whatever Snake Oil they can from shady medicine men they come across, thinking they've found their miracle.
This place has offered me tremendous insight into the things in life that I Don't Really Want, which can help me find what I do desire though the process of elimination if nothing else. It also has shown me just how goddamn resourceful and stubborn I can be when I need to. Most of all, it has given me a better idea of who I really am than anything else in my life. While I'd do well to remember that Flights and Fare are Always Subject to Change so to speak, I have a pretty good idea of where I stand in reguards to a lot of things. Even if knowing is no more than knowing I Don't Have a Fucking Clue, which is certainly not always the case, but it seems to be a fairly common theme.
There is so much that I was fucking clueless about 3 years ago.
Sometimes I still really miss my Friends and Life from North Georgia, but at this point I'm painfully aware that almost everything and everyone I left behind worth missing is gone. Either I've torched the metaphorical bridges that held the bonds, or I've simply evolved past being able to relate to those I used to. I'm still not sure which one stung the worst. There are a very select few I still feel I can talk to from time to time, and you know who you are. Now that my only family has moved away from the area, I no longer see it as my home of any shape or sort. It's simply North Georgia now.
So where is home to me now? I've made it a point to never call this place "home" as to keep me from getting too comfortable, but it's still way to premature to give that title to the San Fran Bay Area. Not to meantion a big part of why I'm not closer to being in Northern Cali is that I spent too much time with my head floating around out there and not here to take care of the tedious shit. No point in jumping the gun on that one, exspecially since it hurts more than helps my cause. So where does that leave me?
I will always maintain my hatred for this Piss-Hole town, and I will always work to leave it once and for all. However; I will do well not to forget what this place has offered me. If nothing else, I've met so many Worthwhile people that have made it possible for me to get by day to day. I hate the idea of leaving them all one day (and i do very much hope to take some of them with me), but anyone I care about here I hope to see move on to Better Things. Lingering because of them would be a disservice to them as well as myself and therefore is not an option.
So yeah, I guess the point of this exceedingly long-winded ramble is that after 3 years I don't feel that I made a mistake in doing this (not that i haven't made mistakes). I don't regret being here. It has been worth it.
I'm OK in calling it "home," at least until I can indulge in Better Things.
"Though the world is sleeping, my eyes are open.
Yet it's me that's dreaming that I'm flying over mountaintops.
I am crossing an ocean where at the end I see, I see a beautiful far away land called home.
And them stars they sure are pretty, and while I do admire the distance their light, it travels, to shine down on me… still I would go further than the furthest star shine… just to find myself walking in a beautiful faraway land called home.
Wanna find myself walking in a beautiful faraway land called home.
And you can take all the money in all of the banks.
You can take all the fame in Hollywood.
You can take all the pretty girls in Paris, France.
You can take my own name if you think it'll do you some good.
You can take all them things that perish, and you can throw them all right in the sea.
'Cause ain't but only one thing that matters.
Ain't but only one jewel in this world.
Ain't but only one feeling of all of life's feeling that I wanna feel.
That is the feeling of a beautiful far away land called home.~Jim White
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